A GAME IN FAILURE
Work in progress
This series consists of countless sheets of paper that I made over the years, but never intended them representatively for exhibitions. I find them neither beautiful nor finished. They are more a "non-result" of a processual recondition of my inner conflicts. A selection of these sheets are from my private collection of intimate sketches and diaries.Here I am doing various "exercises" without paying attention to the form, aesthetics or artistry of a work.
In my research I lean on the theses and questions of the origin of my failure. Donald Vinnicott - the fear of collapse - has provided me with many helpful theses. He describes the problem of primal trust, archaic agonies of the soul and before the "ego decay". In one paragraph he describes exactly what I feel: "...being behind a window pane and no longer knowing what is real and what is not. Ultimately, who one is oneself..."
I find it fitting especially in these times of extreme isolation and the unbearable absence of touch, because it has a meaningfulness that reflects my situation of confusion, irritation and loneliness as self-therapy against failure. These drawings are a kind of concentration exercise because it calms and grounds me. I use this as a recovery against my restlessness, aggression, anger, confusion and doubt. It is often very hard grief work. I find it extremely necessary and helpful for my inner freedom and peace with myself.
I do not fit in your white frame
you dont own me
my idetity is immaterial